thoughts, rants, and all the undefined things

Fandom

2012-02-24T05:22:00.001-08:00

Fandom is focus. Fandom is obsession. Fandom is insatiable consumption. Fandom is sitting for hours in front of a TV screen a movie screen a computer screen with a comic book a novel on your lap. Fandom is eyestrain and carpal tunnel syndrome and not enough exercise and staying up way, way past your bedtime.

Fandom is people you don’t tell your mother you’re meeting. Fandom is people in the closet, people out and proud, people in costumes, people in T-shirts with slogans only fifty others would understand. Fandom is a loud dinner conversation scaring the waiter and every table nearby.

Fandom is you in Germany and me in the US and him in Australia and her in Japan. Fandom is a sofabed in New York, a roadtrip to Oxnard, a friend behind a face in London. Fandom talks past timezones and accents and backgrounds. Fandom is conversation. Communication. Contact.
Fandom is drama. Fandom is melodrama. Fandom is high school. Fandom is Snacky’s law and Godwin’s law and Murphy’s law. Fandom is smarter than you. Fandom is stupider than you. Fandom is five arguments over and over and over again. Fandom is the first time you’ve ever had them.

Fandom is female. Fandom is male. Fandom lets female play at being male. Fandom bends gender, straight, gay, prude, promiscuous. Fandom is fantasy. Fandom doesn’t care about norms or taboos or boundaries. Fandom cares too much about norms and taboos and boundaries. Fandom is not real life. Fandom is closer than real life. Fandom knows what you’re really like in the bedroom. Fandom is how you would never, could never be in the bedroom.

Fandom is shipping, never shipping, het, slash, gen, none of the above, more than the above. Fandom is love for characters you didn’t create. Fandom is recreating the characters you didn’t create. Fandom is appropriation, subversion, dissention. Fandom is adoration, extrapolation, imitation. Fandom is dissection, criticism, interpretation. Fandom is changing, experimenting, attempting.

Fandom is creating. Fandom is drawing, painting, vidding: nine seasons in four minutes of love. Fandom is words, language, authoring. Fandom is essays, stories, betas, parodies, filks, zines, usenet posts, blog posts, message board posts, emails, chats, petitions, wank, concrit, feedback, recs. Fandom is writing for the first time since you were twelve. Fandom is finally calling yourself a writer.

Fandom is signal and response. Fandom is a stranger moving you to tears, anger, laughter. Fandom is you moving a stranger to speak.

Fandom is distraction. Fandom is endangering your job, your grades, your relationships, your bank account. Fandom gets no work done. Fandom is too much work. Fandom was/is just a phase. Fandom could never be just a phase. Fandom is where you found a friend, a sister, a kindred spirit. Fandom is where you found a talent, a love, a reason.

Fandom is where you found yourself.

not mine, credit to http://hesychasm.livejournal.com/187818.html

who knows

2012-01-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

If months ago you had told me that I'd be a able to rap a Nicki Minaj's song, and become a big fan of Korean stars, I'm pretty sure that I would laugh at your face.
I don't know how it started, it just happened. I guess we would never know what Life will gives to us. it's so random and out of my comfort zone. but I enjoy it, it's like discovering something new and it changes the way you see something. No, I don't change. I just add up new things in my library.

Birthday part 2

2011-10-21T06:12:00.002-07:00

so after the my class went home, I literally ran to my room and changed my outfit. then my mom was already waiting in the car. I didn’t even put any make up on. not even face powder.
So in part 2, we booked this restaurant/bar and this time, I celebrated it with my big family. This restaurant has a stage inside, and my father had someone to play on that stage. The person was named Anda,
'We had a Beatles night! I even sang a couple of song!

Thinking back to that night, for those who don't know might find this party really weird. It's a sweet seventeen birthday, yet those who come mostly aged >40. Well...
-----------------

here are some pictures

My Mom and aunties singing to ‘Oh My Darling’. it was absolutely funny

The Kids!

And let me introduce you to my lovely grandpa!

And then there’s me and my brother rocking out ‘I wanna hold your hand’

—

The family from mother’s side

———
The people I love the most, more than anything in my life.
MY FAMILY

——
And this is Anda, the talented man who made the night even better. And at the end of the night we found out that he was the man who sang the song ‘tentang seseorang’ it was the soundtrack for a very famous Indonesian movie ‘ada apa dengan cinta’ if I had known it sooner I would have bragged about it. LOL

——
That’s all about my birthday, it was awesome
Thank God, Thanks everyone.

My 17th Birthday part 1!

2011-10-21T06:11:00.001-07:00

MY 17th BIRTHDAY . part 1

it took a very long time for me to post about it, my birthday was probably 20 days ago.
You know, in here 17th Birthday is like 16th birthday for American teenager, I’ll get my id card, driving license and I’ll have the rights to choose in election.
Part I
Since my birthday was in the middle of Ramadan month, so we had a break fasting together in my home. it’s wasn’t a party, it was just a celebration. I invited all of the students in my class, the lovely 12th Physical Science 3 <3
With the girls

And the boys

With my tablemate, Ami :D

We even played fireworks afterward!

And they bought me their own birthday cake <3

I LOVE YOU SCIENCE 3! :D

koibito

2011-06-09T00:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder, do I really need a boyfriend?

Yeah, I think it would be really nice to have someone that cares for you, someone to fall back on, someone that will listen to you, someone you can turn to when you have a problem. Someone who loves you, someone to love, someone that is there for you. Do I need that someone? with all honesty, I believe I do. I'm tired of having problem and keeping it to my self. I love my best friend I really do. but I don't believe my self to tell them my problem. I don't know why, maybe it's because I don't want to be considered as weak, I don't want people to pity me, and maybe I'm just clueless. I need to trust someone, but who? the more I tell, the more vulnerable I'll be. ... ain't it right?

But when I really consider it, maybe I just like the idea of having one. and sadly maybe I like the idea of having a boyfriend just because I absolutely love the idea of having problems that will only revolve around boys, high school drama, jealousy, unrequited crush... not about parents, home, life, future and everything in between..
I know that I have no rights to say it, but seeing my friends get upset just because their boyfriend don't text them seems way easier to cope, than the kind of problems I'm having right now

I don't know what will happen next, I guess I'm just gonna let it be.

Quality Time..

2011-06-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

Quality time with my self

I know I don’t usually write a lot in here, it’s not important though, so you may want to scroll past this..
My room isn’t big, it’s only 3x4 meters, but for me it’s one huge wonderland. It has Christmas lights hung around the ceiling and also a set of unused speakers.
So I turned off the main lamp, turned on the Christmas light, put ‘The Trees and The Wild’ on repeat and connect it to my awesome speakers, and most importantly a cup of coffee. Too bad I don’t have a great cup of coffee tonight. I’m trying this ‘Creamy Cappuccino’ and it tastes like milk. bleeh :/
Let’s just say I’m savoring every moment of it, The guitar strums from the marvelous ‘the trees and the wild’ , the lights, the warmth of the ‘coffee’. None of my friends really understand why I love it so much, but I guess everyone has their own moment right?
——-
Times like this get me thinking (even a lot more than I usually do). Many things crossed my mind, mostly about human though. Weird topic, and I don’t feel like typing it down in tumblr.
Many people find me to be really talkative, but really sometimes I feel like I’m a big introvert. I spend more times alone than hanging out with friends, and I don’t mind a single bit. Sometimes I wonder, am I a loner? no. I actually really love people’s company, and it’s nice to have friends to talk to. But there are times (a lot of them) when I’d rather be alone. Not because I was down, sad or disappointed. I just plainly want to be alone, to have times for my own. Maybe it has something to do with how I grew up. No, I didn’t grow up alone and sad. I have a big brother, a (thanks god) loving family, a bunch of friends that made my childhood fantastic. But yeah, around the times when I was 13 my brother left for college, both of my parents were workaholic, childhood friends went their own way. Years of going home to find empty house (well I had a great maid though, but it’s different) must have something to do with it.
—-
There are countless times I refused to hang out just to have time like this
—-
Sometimes I went to the mall alone, wandering through the crowd and looking for my own peace.
—-

Peter Pan

2011-05-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

I know that I'm so damn late, but today I finally get to watch Peter Pan the movie! pssh.. it's not the cartoon one.
I literally got goosebumps, I still feel the magic right now.
It's just so magnificent and deep.
A boy who refuses to grow up, denies feelings, and just so gleeful all the time.
it's must be the best fairytale all of the time. It teaches about love, friendship, dream, happiness, and believe.
AASDFGHJKLOVE IT SO MUCH

Holidays and stuffs

2011-04-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hello blogie! don't you think the name is cool?
Oh hey btw the National Examination is on and it's mah time to finally have good time. Unless I don't.
I'm totally fucked up! how so? I had written all the things I wanted to do in holiday on a piece of paper. And surprisingly, I took such a good care of that paper! I still have that paper. And well, what should I say.. That paper just keeps reminding me about my dreadful holiday. Well, I don't know if dreadful is really the correct word to describe my situation. it's just.... well...
I had been expecting so much from this holiday (my last holiday for the next couple month), but I have accomplished almost no thing! well I did cook a orange sauced chicken when ended up not being eaten. But still! Mostly I'm upset at my self, upset at how I stubbornly keep doing unimportant thing..
let's see how I'm gonna put up...

Here we go NYC!

2011-04-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm sorry for my very rare update. it's almost a month huh? well so many things had happened in a moth....
Well, btw remember when I told you that my mother is going to present her poster/abstract in Global Health Conference which will be held in Washington? Remember when I told you about how unsure I was about getting my visa?
Today.... I just got back from U.S. Embassy! That was such a very thrilling experience! I felt like there was a huge monster doing gymnastic in my stomach. I was nervous that I believed I could faint at any minute..
But it was paid back when the counselor said "okay, your visa has been approved" If I didn't know better I might had literally did a happy dance.

So, it's 90% now. We've got the ticket booked. Now I can only pray to Allah SWT. Hopefully my trip to US will go without any hindrance :)

entertaing my self

2011-03-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a little fact about me : I'm good at entertaining my self.

Do you know who was my best friend in first grade? The school fence.
Well, first I went to the Tarakanita Elementary School. Actually it was a nice private school, but maybe because all of the students except me were christian, or maybe because I felt like the only kid who had gone to a different kindergarten. I fell left out, and it was so hard for me to make friends. This school had a big blue fence. Everyday I'd just be hanging around by the fence and looking if my nurse was there waiting for me.
Due to my endless babbling and crying in every morning, my parents decided to move me into a school named 'Yustia Puri' this school was a private school too and it was really close from my home. The school wasn't fancy like Tarakanita but it was alright. The kids were so much more down-to-earth so it wasn't that hard to make friends. But I was a very shy girl, very self-conscious (especially because I was taller than all of the girls. Sorry bitches but I was born to be a model :p). So the first few weeks I didn't really have friends. And Guess what? the school also had a big fence. So I played with the fence, people find it weird but actually I felt like playing in a big playground. So then those mothers told my nurse how lonely I had been, they said something like "your kid is really weird!" "her face is so arrogant" "she doesn't have friend, her friend is the fence!" (I know it because my nurse told me about it later). But I didn't feel bored or lonely. I was just entertained enough...
few weeks ago my mother bring me a poster of New York which has been framed. I played with it from almost 15 minutes. I just keep flipping it with hand, feet and did another weird thing. I didn't realize what I was doing until it hit me that I had been spending my spare time playing random weird thing with a poster..
The similar things happen pretty often. I'm good at entertaining my self.

Simon & Garfunkel - America

2011-03-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

Simon & Garfunkel - America
"Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together.
I've got some real estate here in my bag"

So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

"Kathy," I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now."
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful, his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat."
"We smoked the last one an hour ago."
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost" I said, though I knew she was sleeping
"I'm empty and aching and I don't know why..."
Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They've all gone to look for America

After the big news, my dad came to me and recommended this song, he told me that it was such a good song. Well, he was right <3

Dream I :New York

2011-03-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hello my underrated virtual diary! Miss me much? haha

I finally succeed encouraging my self to write in here. I just didn't have enough time. You know tumblr? that's the one that had been stealing my time for you, you should blamed him, not me. :D

Well, there was a reason why I titled this post as 'dreams'

I know that you know most of my dreams, such as getting into institute technology of Bandung, and taking the postgraduate program in NYU. but in you know, as much as I love getting the scholarship for NYU, actually all I want is visiting NEW YORK. I want to spend a night watching the chaos of crowd walking Square, eating those big pizzas, and just being a New Yorker. yes, I am obsessed with this city.

And, here is the big news *drumrolls*

There's this 60% chance that I may be going to US this Juny! YAY!

so my mother entered her abstract to the Global Health Conference that is going to be held in Washington D.C, and the last few weeks we all had been very pessimistic, we had been thinking that maybe the abstract wasn't accepted and qualified to be presented. But yesterday night my mom got an email which stated that her abstract was accepted, and is expected to be presented in the conference! So my mom is going to ask the approval from her Organization which hopefully will pay the cost of transport and accommodation when we're in Washington. and if that succeed, it will be 70%. But then there's something really important. Getting a Visa! you know it's really hard to get a visa of US, I will be interviewed and asked many questions all in English. There's a chance that I may not going to get one. But I believe that I will. I have to. If I get the visa, it will be 90%. And the rest 10% is up to Allah SWT.

I really wish that the timing won't bother my school life, because if can't go because my school won't let me. I'll be really mad.

I still can't believe it's happening. pray for me please :D

Ok, back to the title, 'Dream'

I'm pretty sure that you've heard so many people saying that dreams do come true when you have the wills. I know it sounds really cheesy, but it's true! You know I really really do want to go to NY. I keep telling everyone that one day I'll be in New York. Most of my friends are bored hearing me rambling about NY and how I'll be living there. Somehow, in someway my wills got me keep reminding, encouraging, and supporting my mother in making her abstract. and BAM! it's happening!

Well, my daddy always say that if you really want it, Allah SWT will bring it to you eventually.

So, keep dreaming because dreams really do come true :)

And really I want to thank Allah SWT for EVERYTHING, and my mother for being incredibly awesome, and my dad for being so supportive with all of my dreams, and basically I just want to thank everyone :)

Hypocrites

2011-02-12T05:57:00.000-08:00

"a hypocrite is someone, that when he talks, he lies. When he promise, he breaks it. And when he is trusted, he betrays."

- Al Quran

Don't you hate those hypocrites people? those who talk as if they were an angle but act like evil? it's just one of many human's nature to behave like that. I'd be the biggest hypocrite ever if I said that I've never been a hypocrite. The truth is, I am a hypocrite. maybe

STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT

2011-01-31T04:30:00.000-08:00

Dear my OhSoQuiet blog, have I ever told you why I named you 'juststopcryingyourheartout' ?
The name is pretty long, and it definitely doesn't tell people who is the girl behind the computer. Well, I wanted to name it something that reveals my name, like 'diarynadya' or 'nadyanotes' 'nadeeyalife' but I realized that it's just way too boring and stereotyped. Then I remember this super awesome song, whose lyrics really inspires me

Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile (may your smile) shine on (shine on)
Don't be scared (don't be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

'Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up) come on (come on)
Why you scared? (I'm not afraid...)
You'll never change what's been and gone

'Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

'Cause all of the stars have faded away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

We're all of the stars
We're fading away
Just try not to worry, you'll see us someday
Just take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out...

The lyric never fails to make me feels better

it's like saying that everytime you're down, broken, or when your world is crashing down, you don't need to be afraid. You don't need to keep mourning and regretting because you can't change what's been and done. it has happened. Now wake up! Take what you need! and be on your way!

JUST STOP CRYING YOUR HEART OUT

ra-ra-rambling

2011-01-31T04:12:00.000-08:00

Hello again :D
So it's Monday, and I already miss Sunday like so damn much! School is kinda killing me with those tests and the fact that I have to get good grades. I told you that I'll have some improvement. Well I guess I'm trying. but it's getting harder, it feels like everything I do will never be enough. I should never have taken anything for granted. Right?

I really am tired. I barely have time for my self! Now every time I go home from school, it's whether I have to go to the tutoring or work out. None of them is fun. But once again, Sometimes we have to push our self to its limit. and there are some things that need to be done. do whatever it takes \m/

I'm just a normal girl, I envy those who look good with no effort, I envy those who have passion for studying. I get jealous to those who have a lover on their side. Because unlike them, I have to work pretty hard to get what they already have. But I believe that the difficulty will only thicken my skin

Silly Little Crush (?)

2011-01-11T00:47:00.000-08:00

Never in this life I thought that I could fall for someone like him. I don't fall for a person easily. it always takes time and long process until I can admit to my self "maybe I like that guy."
And now there he is, looking just decent, acting just normal but somehow able to make me head over heels.
But for some reasons I know and realize that he is unreachable, and things will be just too complicated if we're together. the chance is so thin, it's like 1:100. We'll never be more than friend, and I'll never admit this feeling to anyone.
I feel so stupid for letting my self to fall for him.

Maybe he'll just always be my silly little crush.

I believe that in every girl's life, she must have an unrequited crush that she hides to everyone, or maybe she doesn't even realize it.

* I'm not gonna tell you the name, let's just call him Knight in Shining Armor because what he did today was really heroic for me :)

The time of change: WAKING UP

2011-01-10T02:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever re-considered everything in your life? Have you ever regretted wasting time? because that's exactly what I'm mourning about right now. I feel like I had been sleeping way too much, not literary it's just a phase. Looking back to my past, I asked my self, "what have you accomplished?"and the answer was shamefully nothing. All these 16 freaking years and I feel like there's nothing to be proud about. I keep telling people (and my self) to keep on dreaming. but I might had forgotten about one specific quote that I do love so much.
I forget the exact word but it went on something like this:

"The first thing you have to do to achieve your dream is WAKE UP"

yes, WAKE UP. As a girl who has accomplished almost nothing in her life my targets are really high :

Accepted in Institute Technology Bandung
Get a scholarship to take the postgraduate education in New York University


ITB

For now, those two are my biggest target, especially the first one. When I told my friends about it, 98% of them just laughed, thinking that I was joking but hell no! I sure am not the most diligent person in the planet, or even in my class, but sometimes you just have to push your self off the limit. I think it's kinda weird and funny at the same time. One day, my best friend Mayang asked me, "Nadya, you have no passion to go to school every day, and you're not diligent, and you hate the assignments. Why do you want to go to an university that absolutely will make you spend your years studying?" The answer is, I know that I'm lazy. but I'm young, I really want to make my time the most of it. I don't want to spend it easily. Yes now you may think that I'm really weird. One thing about me is, I never see my self as someone who can't. I always see my self as an underachiever. I always feel like 'actually I can do it, I just need to make some attempts and definitely more efforts.' and yes I'm over confident and it's not healthy. But it's one thing that can keep me keep on believing that I can achieve my dreams.

Time of change: WAKING UP.

As from now on, I won't think 'actually I can do it, I just need to make some attempts and definitely more efforts.' anymore because From now, I'm gonna change. I'm gonna make those attempts and I'm absolutely going to give much more efforts. I'm gonna push my self much harder. It's gonna be rough, but there are somethings in life that need to be done.